


don't wanna wait, don't hesitate

by northsiders36



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Chicago Cubs, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Oblivious, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8113051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northsiders36/pseuds/northsiders36
Summary: Rizzo is basically Kris' perfect girl.
Except, y'know,  the part where he's a guy.





	

 

"I'm in love with you," Rizzo says.

Kris stares, because for a moment he thinks he's being Punk'd, but Rizzo has his serious game face on. He knows when Rizzo is trying to prank someone because he can't keep a straight face. Apparently straight might be the key word in that sentence.  
  
Kris is overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, and he carefully picks his words so there can be no misinterpretation. Kris doesn't want to hurt him, but being firm is the kindest thing he can do.  
  
"I'm not gay," Kris says, meeting Rizzo's gaze apologetically.  
  
"I figured," Rizzo says, shrugging. "Figured either way you should know, this is the sort of thing you've gotta own up to to get over fast, y'know?"  
  
"Sure," Kris says. "We're gonna be okay though, right?"  
  
"Give me a couple of days and you'll never know this happened," Rizzo promises.  
  
#  
  
It's difficult to fall asleep. Every time Kris is about to drift, his brain shouts, _Rizzo is in love with me_.  
  
Kris calms his breathing and stares at the ceiling. He thinks about learning how to meditate.  
  
#  
  
During the game the next night, Kris tries to subtly watch Rizzo under a filter of _he's in love with me_. Rizzo doesn't behave any differently, so Kris respects his friend and doesn't either. The last shy smile of the night that Rizzo throws his way tells Kris that it's appreciated.  
  
Kris carries the memory of that shy smile with him all the way home to his apartment. He thinks about it as he's brushing his teeth. He thinks about it as he's getting dressed. He thinks about it as he wakes up from a dream, sweating and heart racing and his boxers sporting an inelegant and unmistakable damp spot.  
  
Even as he cleans up, he's still thinking about Rizzo's soft fond smile.  
  
#  
  
When he strikes out during his first inning because he's still thinking about it, Kris decides to face the problem head on, because he only lets his personal problems affect one bat or ball at the very most before burning his problems thoroughly to the ground.  
  
Kris is kind of into Rizzo's face. A little. But when he leans against the wall in the dugout, staring half blankly into space and half at the outline of Rizzo's back, turned into silhouette because he's blocking the sun, he can't picture himself doing anything with a man but maybe smiling back. Kris isn't gay, but if he could make himself like it for any guy, it would be Anthony Rizzo. Rizzo makes him laugh all the time they're together, pushes him on the field in a way no one else does, and inspires him off the field to be a better person. He's easy to talk to, has the same love of dinner and a movie in that Kris does, and breathes baseball in a way that resonates to Kris' bones.  
  
If Rizzo was a girl, Kris wouldn't even have hesitated to respond positively to the declaration. Rizzo is basically Kris' perfect girl.  
  
Except, y'know,  the part where he's a guy.  
  
#  
  
A double series swept homestand later and the Cubs are out on the town, celebrating. Rizzo's still not acting any different and Kris is just relentlessly proud of him at this point and true to his word, Rizzo both treats Kris no differently and appears to be trying to move on.  
  
When Kris catches a glimpse of Rizzo leaning over the bar, turning that smile against the bartender, Kris sees the bartender visibly melt. And feels a hot clench of something in his gut in response.  
  
Kris makes a vague excuse of queasiness to leave early, and stumbles out into the night, face heated.  
  
Shit. This is definitely a development he's going to have to look into, because Kris remembers this feeling from the first time he felt it, watching another kid win $100 because their hit went further than Kris could manage.  
  
_Jealousy_.  
  
#  
  
Kris paces his apartment.  
  
Jealousy is a normal human emotion. It's perfectly understandable. Kris isn't in love with Rizzo but he's with him 24/7. Teammates have inexplicably tight bonds, more intense than friends, a different kind of family. Kris hasn't had problems sharing before, but it's also an understandable reaction, surely?  
  
He paces some more. The solution would be so easy if he was gay, because he'd drive right over to Rizzo's house and kiss him and that would be an elegant solution, because Rizzo was amazing and Rizzo loved him and then Kris wouldn't have to feel jealous at all.  
  
Kris tried to picture kissing Rizzo and fails. He can't picture what it would be like being gay for Rizzo if he can't even picture a kiss.  
  
He paces some more. No school problem had ever been this difficult to find a solution for, at least, not after Kris realized he was a kinesthetic learner and needed to experience as much of his learning firsthand as possible.  
  
The solution comes slowly after that. Kris' best possible future would be if he could be gay for Rizzo, because obviously Rizzo is a great match for him, and given Kris' mild obsession with Rizzo's smile and the jealousy, there's a small chance Kris might be able to convince himself to try it out. See if being gay is a thing he can just, sort of, force himself to like. Rizzo is worth it; that much Kris is sure of.  
  
But it's also not fair to Rizzo for Kris to spring this conclusion on him if Kris can't even get himself beyond the idea of kissing a guy.  
  
He needs another approach.  
  
#  
  
The idea he comes up with is relatively simple and should give Kris a good idea whether he is capable of liking guys or not.  
  
All he has to do is kiss a guy. A not-Rizzo guy. Then Kris can see if he's into it.  
  
He calls one of his old high school friends, because Tomas is a big Cubs fan anyway, and has been tweeting about wanting to see a game or two. He's been openly gay since kindergarten and Facebook declares him currently single, and when Kris calls him up and explains the situation, albeit deliberately not naming the teammate involved, Tomas laughs about a kiss being a small price to pay for some tickets, so Tomas is absolutely in.  
  
Kris doesn't feel any anticipation about the kiss or nerves, although he thinks he'll be sad if the experiment fails.  
  
He begs off the night out with the team and explains about his friend coming in from out of town; everyone starts ribbing him immediately about it being a hook-up, even when Kris patiently explains that it's not _that_ sort of friend, just a high school buddy. The Cubs obviously don't buy it, which is probably why when Kris meets Tomas in the parking lot and takes him to a nearby diner because they're both starving, the rest of the Cubs pile into the same diner moments later.  
  
Kris sighs and rolls his eyes at their behavior. They're ridiculous. Rizzo is the only one of them to edge Tomas an uncertain glance, but then the Cubs pile into a row of booths, request enough food to probably empty the kitchens single-handedly, and start interrogating Tomas for some embarrassing stories of Kris in high school. Kris has never been so pleased to have been considered dull back then.  
  
Tomas clearly doesn't have the stamina to compete with a large bunch of rowdy athletes, because he yawns an hour into the dinner, and after Tomas gleefully accepts a fistful of autographed napkins, Kris extracts himself and Tomas from the mass of sweaty baseballers and escorts his high school friend out onto the sidewalk.  
  
"I'm beat," Tomas says. "I can probably get back to my hotel okay if you wanna go rejoin your friends."  
  
"Oh," Kris says, and he nods uncertainly, and his gaze drops awkwardly to Tomas' mouth, which is pleasant enough as far as mouths go, Kris thinks, but he's not internally raving about the sight.  
  
Tomas grins sheepishly. "I haven't forgotten I need to pay for this trip," he says, and he makes a show of glancing around before tugging Kris in by the hip and kissing him.  
  
It's nice enough, Kris guesses, and he kisses back to be polite, but it's doing nothing for him. Nor is running his hand briefly up Tomas' wide back. Kris pulls back reluctantly and shakes his head.  
  
"Worth a try," Tomas says cheerfully. "Teenage me would be so jealous of me right now."  
  
Kris' eyes fly to Tomas', and for a moment there's something sad in Tomas' expression, and Kris' chest clenches in empathy. He's disappointed that the kiss means he wouldn't be any good with Rizzo, and he's upset on Tomas' behalf, because he never noticed teenage Tomas had a thing for him.  
  
"Thanks for trying," Kris says. "I appreciate it."  
  
"Mm, even though we have zero chemistry, it was still a pretty great kiss, Bryant. Believe me when I say it was not a hardship," Tomas grins. "Call me anytime you want a re-do."  
  
"Ha," Kris says. "Probably not but I'll keep that in mind."  
  
"Chicago's best slugger thinking of me," Tomas says, pretending to swoon. "My oh my."  
  
Kris rolls his eyes and Tomas leans in to kiss him on the cheek and Kris thinks, well, what the hell, he didn't burn to the ground last time, so he turns at the last moment and Tomas catches his lips in the brief goodbye kiss. Tomas grins as he backs up.  
  
"Keep up the good work, Bryant," Tomas calls as he jerks his head in the opposite direction and turns to start walking that way.  
  
Kris watches him go for a moment, then turns to go back in the diner, and Rizzo is standing a couple of meters away, looking at him with a blank expression.  
  
Kris freezes, because it's clear from Rizzo's expression that he's been there long enough to see _something_ , and Kris' throat fills up with the explanation, because Rizzo looks devastated, but Kris can't get a word out edgewise.  
  
"I, uh, came to see if we could catch you to see if you both wanted to come on to a bar with us," Rizzo says. There's a pink spot high on his cheeks where he usually paints his anti-glare stripes. "I'll let the others know you're probably gonna go and hang with your, uh, friend."  
  
Rizzo turns to go, and Kris' throat remembers how to release words, and he manages to dash forward and grab Rizzo's wrist and yell "Rizz, wait," but when Rizzo turns his head back and Kris sees the intensity of the expression on Rizzo's face, Kris is struck dumb again and he lets go of Rizzo's arm automatically.  
  
The expression fades and is replaced by a kind smile that's soured by a hint of self-loathing. "You don't have to explain anything to me," Rizzo says.  
  
Rizzo turns away and heads back to the diner, and Kris is just suddenly desperately sure that Rizzo can't leave, he can't.  
  
"It's not what you think!" Kris yells.  
  
Rizzo stops by the door, hand reaching for the handle, and he's frozen like he's been turned into a statue. When he turns around his expression is neutral, but Kris can see the set of his shoulders - it's all fake.  
  
"Yeah?" Despite his resolve to be as calm as possible, there's a hint of something angry in Rizzo's voice, and Kris doesn't blame him. He knows how the situation looks from the outside: that Kris lied about not being gay. That Kris lied to Rizzo. "What do I think?"  
  
"That I lied to you," Kris says. "I didn't."  
  
Rizzo snorts in soft disbelief. "Sure."  
  
"I didn't!"  
  
"Excuse me for thinking our friendship was solid enough that you could just say you weren't into me and have it be enough," Rizzo says, his voice cold and the same coldness creeping into his voice.  
  
Kris feels a burn of anger because he's not lying. If he was gay and just not into Rizzo he would have just damn said so. "I'm not lying," he says through gritted teeth. "Dammit, Rizzo. I'm not gay."  
  
"Sure, Bryant. Whatever you say."  
  
"Ugh, why are you so infuriating?" Kris throws his hands up in the air. "I'm not gay but I wanted to see if I could be, for you, okay? Only I figured I liked and respected you too much to experiment on you, so I asked my old friend Tomas to come to Chicago because I knew I could explain the situation and he would let me kiss him to see if maybe I could convince myself to like guys. Because I like you enough that I wanted to try. But I can't, and I'm pissed off about that." Kris glares at Rizzo, and as his rage fades a bit, he realizes Rizzo doesn't look angry any more. He looks almost fond, which doesn't make any sense. "So, um, there," Kris finishes, squinting at Rizzo uncertainly.  
  
Rizzo shakes his head and steps a little closer to Kris, which is encouraging, because it means Rizzo isn't fleeing in the opposite direction. "Kris," he says, gently. "Kissing Tomas would only prove whether or not you were into Tomas."  
  
Kris blinks. "Well, yes, I guess, but-"  
  
"I'd be content to let you experiment on me," Rizzo says, and his casual tone does not fit the situation at all, because Kris feels like someone just ran into him with a wrecking ball, and okay, now he's singing that song in his head too. Well, Kris figures he's probably not the first person to have Miley Cyrus as the soundtrack to their descent into insanity. "In fact, I kind of insist."  
  
"You insist?" Kris echoes, his voice sounding weirdly high-pitched and breathy. Rizzo is eternally closer, when did he get so close? Kris doesn't know.  
  
"Ahuh," Rizzo says, smiling slowly. _Predator_ , Kris thinks, dazedly.  
  
"I probably won't be into it," Kris says faintly, eyes scraping Rizzo's face as Rizzo's face looms larger. Kris' mouth falls open a little in anticipation and he can hear his own heartbeat in his ears.  
  
"Sure," Rizzo says.  
  
Kris gulps. "Okay," he says, unsteadily, and closes his eyes.  
  
Only to hear Rizzo laughing and... moving away?  
  
Kris opens one eye skeptically, to see Rizzo a few paces away and looking awash with fondness.  
  
"Not on the street, dumbass," Rizzo says. "C'mon, let's go out with the guys, and then we can go back to my place."  
  
Kris stares and nods.  
  
#  
  
Kris feels like he's going to vibrate out of his own skin and that all the Cubs are going to notice. They're going to take one look at Kris and know exactly what's going to happen, that Kris will go back to Rizzo's place, and they're going to kiss.  
  
Now Kris knows it's actively coming, he can't stop thinking about it, about how it will feel. Rizzo's large hands on his cheeks. Rizzo's wide smile pressed against his mouth. How Rizzo will lean in with fire in his eyes but be so careful with him.  
  
No one seems to know what a monumental evening it is. Even Rizzo acts normal, a jovial mask of everyday glee on his face as he mingles with the others and sings passably okay karaoke until the small hours with various teammates. Kris sits that part out, slowly sipping a soda, not trusting his voice to hold together.  
  
By the time the outing draws to a close, Kris almost thinks Rizzo has forgotten what's coming, because he's so carefully casual until they're standing by the taxi rank and Rizzo oh-so-casually loops his fingers around Kris' wrist and tugs him into the back of a cab, instructing the driver to pull away before any other teammate can pile in.  
  
Rizzo is just holding Kris' wrist, and barely at that, just the press of two fingertips, and Kris feels hot all over, and crazy, because why is the drive taking so long?  
  
Kris waits fractiously on the sidewalk while Rizzo pays the driver, and he's impatient as Rizzo enters his security code, and downright agitated as Rizzo unlocks all three locks of his front door, and by the time they're inside Rizzo's hallway, Kris can't wait any longer. He surges forwards, bodily slamming Rizzo into the nearest wall, and Kris faintly recognizes that he's dislodged a painting from the wall, but he doesn't fucking care. He just needs his mouth against Rizzo's, _now_.  
  
Rizzo obliges perfectly, opening his mouth instantly, kissing Kris back with the perfect level of heat and intensity. Rizzo's hands flutter against Kris' spine before settling possessively on his hips, and there's a loud groan of approval from one of them, and Kris isn't sure who made the sound.  
  
"Kris," Rizzo breathes as they pull apart slightly, Kris having to lean his weight against Rizzo because he's panting so hard, and Kris' eyes sting, because no one has ever said his name like that before. No one. Kris is already reaching back out for Rizzo's face and Rizzo meets him halfway and _yes_.  
  
Neither of them seem willing to stop kissing the other and Kris vaguely registers that they only just about make it to Rizzo's couch, Rizzo pushing him down into the cushions, and Kris melts with him, and they trade kisses for _hours_ , Kris feeling light-headed and dizzy and warm and protected and so happy he thinks the world could disappear right around them and he wouldn't even notice. Rizzo kisses like he plays, and Kris is always going to be a fan of that.  
  
Something eventually catches Kris' attention, after what must have been a large amount of time, because he distinctly remembers them missing the light switch in their stumbling mission for the couch, and the room is starting to become lighter, Kris able to see the play of emotions over Rizzo's face as they keep kissing, somehow almost unable to stop.  
  
They do stop out of necessity, Rizzo rolling off Kris to slump on the cushions next to him, and Kris pushes at him until Rizzo sighs fondly and puts an arm around Kris' shoulders. Kris nuzzles in immediately, rubbing a little of his stubble against Rizzo's smooth cheek and enjoying the full-body tremble Rizzo responds with.  
  
"So," Rizzo says, his voice raw but still almost casual, but his eyes are intent as he stares at Kris.  
  
"Um," Kris says, "well, I'm still not gay," he adds slowly.  
  
Rizzo gives him an incredulous look.  
  
Kris smiles sheepishly. "I'm just not as straight as I thought I was?"  
  
"Yeah," Rizzo says, with a touch of smugness. "I was getting that impression."  
  
Kris rolls his eyes but smiles back helplessly. "I'm sorry it took me so long."  
  
Rizzo shrugs. "You're here now."


End file.
